It's time you think about yourself
by Katenkka
Summary: "Johanna was right. To get back and be myself again I needed to remember Katniss, let her in and make her point of my being again. Just because I don't have anyone else to take care of, and I'd be sick of thinking about myself as everyone suggested. " POV (Peeta). Author: JateFate (to get a link of original story in Russian please write me a PM); Translator: Katenkka


Delly's terrible at maths. It can't be worse. I'm looking at her as she's biting tip of her pencil and is keeping staring at equation written in her notebook. No way she can solve it on her own. And I can help her because Delly is so kind, so smart, so honest - she's good at everything except for the math.

Unlike to my deskmate, to me equations, problems and identities have always been easy. But my notebook now is empty as well as hers because the teacher made Katniss change her seat from the back desk to the front one, and now this swathy frowned girl is sitting almost next to me.

Katniss is good at math just like me - she is one of those who solves tests first but the teacher thinks she's cheating. Everdeen is angry but doesn't say anything. Make her seat on the ceiling - still she'll get "A".

But I can't concentrate. The pencil is shaking in my hand, slate-pencil is making some scribble instead of numbers. Katniss doesn't notice me, and I don't notice anything but her. That's my punishment.

_It's time you think about yourself, Peeta._

If I don't start right now I won't have enough time to solve this test and get a good mark. My mom will be mad and either lock me away in the backery for a whole week or just give me a slap in the face - depends on how lucky I will be.

And right here is Delly that groans with frustration. She drops her head giving up. There is no chance for her to beat these damn equations.

_It's time you think about yourself._

Katniss looks askance at us but I don't have time to watch her - I should help Delly. Casting glances at the teacher I quickly write the solution of Delly's equations. She squeezes my spare hand and keeps whispering "Thanks, thanks!" and I feel so relieved that all I want is to laugh.

_I will definitely have time to think about myself._

Haymitch is sober and mad. But when he's looking at me I can see pity in his biting and mocking eyes. Haymitch knows everything about me… and her. He knows exactly what thoughts are in my head. Knows what my plan is. And he's getting more mad.

_'It's time you think about yourself, boy! '_ - roars Haymitch and gets out of my sight shutting the door.

I'd love to but I can't. Tearful face of shivery Primrose is standing before my eyes, and then picture changes - here's Katniss on the stage. She's so gorgeous, majestic and brave, with a challenge in her eyes, going to her doom. And just few minutes later I'm near her, I'm shaking her hand, and a simple thought crosses my mind: it's time to make something valuable, Peeta.

_Ten. Nine. Eight._

Katniss is standing on the opposite side, she's looking at Horn of Plenty. It's time to think what direction I'm going to run but instead I look where she so resolutely looks. At the bow.

_Seven. Six. Five._

It's time to think about myself. To breathe enough air into my lungs and get ready to run into the woods. Yet I just can't help but not to think about this girl. I'm standing right here just to die for her.

Katniss is looking at me while I'm looking at her. I'm trying to make my glance angrier - both me and Haymitch made our best to work out the plan of her rescuing at the cost of my own life. But Katniss is aiming to go right in hell, for her damn bow!

I shake my head, and she's turning away.

_Three. Two. One._

_And now it's time I think about myself._

I'm carrying the paintings into my new home at the Victors' Village. Whatever one you look at - you can see grey Katniss' eyes everywhere. I'm sick of thoughts about her. I'm so tired and numb.

I'm getting dazzled by the sunlight. Primrose is hanging out with Hawthorne's little sister. They don't see me - both of them shine with happiness. Neither Katniss nor Gale are seen around; they probably are in the woods now.

_And now it's time you think about yourself, buddy._

I'd wanted to remain myself and it looks like not much changed. I'm Peeta Mellark, son of my father, I can keep up the conversation and seem to paint well. As before I've been loving the girl from the Seam, and she returned my feelings. But her love turned out to be white lie, and now this girl tries not to see me with all her might.

Well, at least I got myself and Katniss out of arena alive, and now it's high time to think about myself.

_There's no point in thinking about myself._

Haymitch avoids me. We both know that me and Katniss won't get out of there this time. She might only if I try hard. And I will. Haymitch promised me.  
Everyone says goodbye to me: my family, Primrose, Delly, Haymitch, Effie, Portia, Cinna, Caesar - everyone except Katniss. She' s got her own plan diametrically opposed to mine. She's being closer than ever. Lets me hug her like it was before. Asks a lot about my life before Games. Holds my hand, kisses and sometimes laughs.

I'm feeling good. My intentions concerning Hunger Games didn't change after a year but now Katniss is aware of them and trusts me. You know, it's easier to end it all if a person you do it for doesn't treat you like an enemy.  
Several days later, already being on arena, right before falling asleep next to Katniss I think about what I've done in my not so long life. And turns out my forthcoming death for Katniss will be my one and only real achievement.

_I'd love to think about myself._ I do my best to remember and realize something but all I can think about is her.

Once in childhood I'd fallen in love with a slim girl in my class. When we first had met she'd climbed the chair and started singing with a marvelous voice some unfamiliar song. I'd loved this girl for a long time and then she has changed beyond recognition. Become a symbol of bloody rebellion. Betrayed her district. Left people dying. The bakery burnt, my family died. I myself have come all the Circles of Hell. And that very girl with her amazing voice called people to kill each other. For her.

A week later she shows up in my ward. She's happy. Excited. My heart is rejoicing. It's not time to think about myself.

Evil satisfaction fills me within when my fingers wrap her black neck. I notice amazement and fear in Katniss' eyes, her nails sink into my hands.  
Once again the girl didn't get her punishment. She ran away, and I'm  
bedridden now.

_'It's time you think about yourself, son, '_ - says Haymitch with pity.

That's what I'm doing for the last few weeks. Thinking about myself. Recollecting my hobbies and habits. Asking about things I can't remember or feel doubt about.

Katniss stays away from me, and it may be the reason of my rehab going off faster than expected. But people keep looking at me with pity. And I'm still not myself.

_'That's because all your life depended on her_. - Johanna is the most honest as usual. -_ You won't be yourself again until you remember her.'_  
_That is my fate._

A lot of time have elapsed before she is able to take my hand and start talking. Katniss is not good at making conversations but she's doing her best. Recalls every detail. Completes images I created making them more real. Cries.

I look at her with eyes wide open, squeeze her hand. Katniss keeps talking while I'm trying to catch the eluding idea, long lost feeling. She stops talking. Takes my hand, kisses my knuckles. Katniss is awaiting. She waits for my decision.

And I finally got it._ I never thought about myself in my life no matter how hard I tried._ Let my best friend win wrestling just to make him happy. Covered for my brother when he ran off from shift with a new girl. Didn't have enough time to solve my own tests because I was solving Delly's ones. Was locked away in the backery for a whole week because damaged two good small loafs for a hungry girl from the Seam. Almost died of blood poisoning on arena protecting this girl against pro. And it remained this way until The Capitol finally bent me in its will.

Johanna was right. To get back and be myself again I needed to remember Katniss, let her in and make her point of my being again. Just because I don't have anyone else to take care of, and I'd be sick of thinking about myself as everyone suggested.

I met concerned gaze of my girl and Katniss got it.

'Hope came back to you. _Real or not real?'_

_'Real.'_

**_The end._**


End file.
